theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
