In the future we'll all be gay
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
