I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
