I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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