im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
