Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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