So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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