I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
