I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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