If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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