my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
