How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
