pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
