Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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