apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
