so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
