summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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