Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
