Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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