Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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