His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize