I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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