so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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