I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
