The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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