Is it normal to miss your booty call?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
