A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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