I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
