Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
