at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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