glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize