u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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