She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize