He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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