the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
