I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
