you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
