I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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