I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize