Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize