Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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