My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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