I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
