Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
