nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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