A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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