he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
