guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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