just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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