I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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