p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
