My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
