Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
