I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
