just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
4 words: hood of his car
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Operation Purity has been aborted
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
