Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
