My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
