Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
