When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize