I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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