I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
