I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
