R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My bed smells like the plague
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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